[Satire] Scott Ott drills CBS and Dan Rather in a satirical piece that also reflects on Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction. [ZZ NewsPortal]

CBS Probe: Rather Suffered ‘Integrity Malfunction’

by Scott Ott

(2005-01-07) — An internal CBS News investigation released today cleared veteran newsman Dan Rather of intentional wrongdoing, and blamed his use of a forged document in a 60 Minutes news story on an “integrity malfunction,” similar to the wardrobe malfunction suffered by Janet Jackson on CBS.

“The exhaustive, no-holds-barred probe found that Dan did not knowingly perpetrate the so-called ‘memogate’ hoax to drag down President Bush in the weeks leading up to the election,” said Dick Thornburgh, the former U.S. Attorney General who helped lead the internal investigation. “The integrity malfunction was completely unintentional and Dan was as surprised as anyone to find himself lying to the nation…or to that small segment of the nation that still watches him.”

Now that Mr. Rather has been cleared, he said he will devote his retirement years to searching for a cure for Journalistic Integrity Malfunction Syndrome — a chronic, incurable condition which also afflicts many of his peers in the industry.

Scott underestimates the size and scope of the JIMS pandemic. Investigators say that it’s origins may be traced to close encounters between Bush #1 and the ill striken jounalist.