(2005-05-21) — Since Friday’s announcement by a Sunni Muslim cleric that Baghdad’s Sunni Mosques would close for three days to protest killings blamed on Iraqi security forces, consumers said they’re struggling to find alternate sources for weaponry.

‘My children and I stood on line at a back-alley dealer for seven hours just to buy mortar rounds,’ said one unnamed local resident. ‘My uncle just called and he’s got one rocket-propelled grenade left, and has completely exhausted his family’s supply of roadside bombs.’

Indeed, industry sources report that the price of all kinds of small armaments jumped 73 percent within minutes of the announcement that the mosques would close.

‘When you get an improvised explosive device at the mosque, you can rely on the quality,’ said one unnamed regular customer. ‘But a lot of the stuff you buy on the street is shoddy work that might send you to Allah before you get to the crowd of infidels. I think we’re going to see a lot of second-rate martyrdom work until the mosques re-open.'” – Scott Ott / Satire