(Satire)(2006-05-13) — In an effort to find middle ground in the debate over illegal immigration, President George Bush followed last night’s nationally-televised speech with an announcement this morning that the U.S.-Mexican border would be moved up to Missouri.

Under the president’s plan, the new southern boundary of the United States roughly follows the path of Interstate 70, which in Missouri runs from Kansas City to St. Louis. The new line extends to the east through the middle of Washington D.C., and meets the Pacific coast just north of San Francisco.

An unnamed White House spokesman said the plan will relieve the pressure along the current 2,000 mile Mexican border by adding another thousand miles to it.

According to the source, “The president believes the new middle-ground border demonstrates that the United States can be a lawful society and a welcoming society at the same time.”

In an effort to calm conservative Republicans, the president also announced that the new boundary would be under constant satellite surveillance and that border patrol agents would receive enforcement assistance from a fleet of B-2 Stealth bombers out of Whiteman Air Force Base in Knob Noster, Missouri.” — Satirical reporting by Scott Ott / ScrappleFace

Somehow we suspect that the “new border” might actually have already found it’s way just south of the Canadian border. Rumor has it that Fox and Bush are considering the annexation of Mexico as a 51st state. Mexifornia, as it will become known, might eventually work it’s way down to Chile forming a massive AULAS. American Union of Latino American States. Canada would be excluded from the AULAS until it can figure a way to include Spanish alongside French and English in all of their public documents.