(SATIRE) — After several months in hiding, reportedly in Iran, radical Shiite cleric Moktada al-Sadr emerged south of Baghdad yesterday to tell his Mahdi Army to avoid shooting at Iraqi forces because the U.S. uses that as a justification to continue its illegal occupation of Iraq.

In a fiery speech to the faithful, Mr. al-Sadr said he is committed to “removing every last excuse that the Bush administration has for keeping infidel troops on Allah’s blessed soil. We will humiliate George Bush, forcing him to retreat because his troops have become utterly useless.”

In addition to a ceasefire against Iraqi troops, the Islamic cleric’s fatwa seeks to demoralize American forces by demanding that Shiites …

1. – Avoid shooting anyone for any reason

2. – Register to vote and respect the Iraqi constitution and governing authorities

3. – Locate and disable all previously-deployed roadside bombs

4. – Re-shelve all explosive vests and large caliber automatic weapons in their original locations at local mosques

5. – Release any living hostages into the custody of the United Nations

6. – Patrol communities to pick up garbage, repair buildings and roads, and restore utility services

7. – Stop ranting like maniacs and go back to work

8. – Take a moment today to thank a U.S. soldier, Marine or airman for your freedom

“We will brutally cut off Bush’s rationale for staying in Iraq,” said Mr. al-Sadr. “Our day of triumph is at hand. The Great Satan will march back home in tickertape parades of shame. Allah be praised.”
— Hat Tip Courtesy: Scott Ott/ScrappleFace