CIA Offers Money Back Guarantee

Posted by ZZ Bachman...

The world can now breath a sigh of relief as it has now been reassured by that most infallible of institutions, the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency, that the Islamic Republic of Iran is years away from deploying a nuclear device. In an unprecedented announcement, recognizing that their credibility has been brought into question in recent years, the agency is offering their latest NIE report with a money back guarantee. Scott Ott reports today on the rationale that led to that decision…

(Langley, VA) — A little-noticed paragraph in the latest controversial National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) on Iran’s nuclear capabilities notes that if the report’s authors are wrong in concluding that Iran ceased its nuclear weapons program in 2003, they’ll refund the cost of the report.

“We’re so confident in our findings,” wrote intelligence analyst Thomas Fingar, “that if Iran should detonate a nuclear device within the next 90-days, we’ll refund the full cost of researching and writing this report, less shipping and handling.”

Mr. Fingar said the money-back guarantee offer is designed to get the Bush administration to “give peace a chance” and to back off of its demands that Iran cease uranium enrichment and fully disclose the details of its nuclear program.

“If we’re right,” said Mr. Fingar, “the world has become a much safer place virtually overnight, no matter what the Iranian president says about wiping Israel from the map, bringing down the Great Satan America and ushering in the apocalyptic age of the 12th Imam.”

The little-known analyst added that, “And even if we’re wrong, there’s no immediate danger to the continental U.S. from missile attacks, since the Atlantic Ocean is really big and Iran’s known missiles can only reach about a dozen countries right now. In addition, it would be quite inconvenient for Iran to smuggle a suitcase nuke across, say, the Mexican border. The border crossing paperwork alone is enough of a deterrent.” — as reported by satirist Scott Ott / ScrappleFace

You have to hand it to Scott. He really knows how to uncover those little-known facts and dirty little secrets that help keep our politicians perplexed and bewildered at all times. It’s comforting to now know that they have a few more years to work on a diplomatic strategy to democratize Iran and bring them into the fold of modern Western thought. After all, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was very clear in his address to the world that Iran has made great advances in socialization of homosexuals and peoples of all faiths and points of view. They are well on their way of achieving their dream of international solidarity with the West. — ZZ

Posted by ZZ Bachman...

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