Maybe it was hearing his middle name repeated over and over again on national TV that was the straw that broke this candidate’s back. Maybe it was the latest poll showing Hillary having a much better chance of winning against John McCain in November. Whatever it was, today Obama finally threw his pastor of 20 years under the bus. What’s even more incredible is he would have us all believe that he had no idea that Rev. Wright was so hateful, bigoted and racist until this past weekend. Pretty hard pill for all those bitter poor white backwoods, gun toting bible thumpers in rural America to swallow don’t you think?
(WINSTON-SALEM, North Carolina – Reuters) – Democratic Sen. Barack Obama strongly denounced his former pastor on Tuesday, saying he was outraged by assertions made by Rev. Jeremiah Wright about the U.S. government and race that have disrupted Obama’s presidential campaign.
The controversy over Wright has been a major stumbling block for the Illinois senator, who is leading New York Sen. Hillary Clinton in the state-by-state contest for the party’s nomination for the November election.
Obama was forced to address the issue after an appearance by Wright on Monday at the National Press Club in Washington, where he repeated earlier suggestions that the United States deserved some blame for the September 11 attacks and that the government had had a hand in spreading AIDS to blacks.
“I am outraged by the comments that were made and saddened over the spectacle that we saw,” Obama told reporters as he campaigned for the North Carolina vote against Clinton next Tuesday.
“The person that I saw yesterday was not the person that I met 20 years ago. His comments were not only divisive and destructive but I believe that they end up giving comfort to those who prey on hate,” Obama said.
Wright’s comments have undercut the campaign of Obama, the son of a white mother and a black father who has based his campaign on a promise to unite the country after years of sharp political and racial divisions.
Howard Dean’s head must be about to explode! Just as it looked like he might have had a shot of shutting down the campaign forcing the hand of Super-Delegates and disenfranchising the remaining primary states, the good Reverend gives Hillary Clinton more life! The time for Obama to have distanced himself from the Rev. Wright radical black ideology was 20 years ago not 48 hours ago. It goes to right to the issue of his judgment as well as his political immaturity.
Regardless of what Obama says now, it will be very hard for him to disassociate himself from someone with such a radical and anti-American point of view as Rev. Wright who reinforced that ideology on National TV for all to see. In fact, Rev. Wright ironically is showing more integrity and consistency in his beliefs by at least NOT changing his perspectives on America, or backpedaling on ANY of the comments made in his sermons of the past 20 years. It’s Obama that is looking like the typical beltway flip flop politician by attempting to spin his way out of this association!! What was that about CHANGE Barack???
Saturday - Apr 26th, 2008
4:08 pm
Satire
— [Hat Tip: megitt33]
We changed the title of this post thanks to the insight of one of our readers… 
[see comments]
Saturday - Apr 26th, 2008
3:02 pm
Satire
When researching the history of Jimmy Carter’s foreign policy blunders (such as laying a wreath at Arafat’s tomb), my legion of researchers stumbled across this gem of domestic PR genius from 1976. Jimmy Carter felt the need to connect with American pop culture, so he hosted an official press release where he shook hands with Gabe Kaplan, better known as “Mr. Carter” from Welcome Back, Kotter. A PR statement at the time read, “This provided an opportunity to reach the stand-up comedian and last-name homonym voter. More importantly, it solidified Carter’s image with youth, proving that ‘Jimmy really digs it’.” The PR statement also noted that Carter dispensed advice on regular bathing habits to keep youth from becoming Sweathogs.
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Monday - Apr 21st, 2008
5:39 pm
Satire
In the battle for superdelegates, Obama has one clear edge. He now has the unwavering support of Hamas. Following in the tradition of Carter diplomacy is there any doubt this new endoresment will help lock his chances with the remaining super liberal superdelegates? Scott Ott reports on the one party peace talks…
(WASHINGTON) — The chief political adviser to the Prime Minister of Hamas on Sunday said the terror group would like to see Sen. Barack Obama become the next U.S. president because “he has a vision to change America.”
One Obama campaign insider said, “Getting this endorsement is tantamount to picking up a superdelegate vote. But with Hamas, Sen. Obama didn’t have to compromise his principles or positions, or make any commitments beyond what he has already promised.”
The unnamed source said he expected the Hamas announcement “would open the floodgates” and the Illinois senator will soon have the support of what he called “the Carter coalition of global non-governmental organizations that support change in the U.S.” — as reported by satirist Scott Ott / ScrappleFace
Monday - Apr 21st, 2008
5:34 pm
Satire
(RAMALLAH) — Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter and the terror group Hamas, in a joint news conference today, announced they had successfully completed the third round of one-party talks aimed at bringing peace to the Jewish territories that border on the Palestinian state.
In a moment reminiscent of the famous 1978 handshake at Camp David among Mr. Carter, Egyptian President Anwar Saadat and Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin, Mr. Carter today embraced exiled Hamas leader Khaled Meshal then each man kissed the tomb of former Palestinian Leader Yassir Arafat.
While no one would reveal the details of the intramural peace settlement, Mr. Carter noted that the deal is so comprehensive that it’s “likely to meet the approval of nearly every legitimate nation in the Middle East.” — as reported by satirist Scott Ott / Scrappleface
Monday - Apr 21st, 2008
4:55 pm
Satire
Predatory lending has deep and disturbing connections to date rape and Hurricane Katrina. My sources in Washington have revealed the following:
Late last week, congressional hearings over predatory lending took a bizarre turn, according to a spokesperson for House majority leader, Nancy Pelosi. “One of the most disturbing trends in the collapse of the subprime market is the widespread nature of predatory lending. What’s worse, is that many of these big bad loans were manufactured using chemicals. We have sworn testimony that at least fifteen people were drugged into accepting ARMs and balloon loans.” The spokesperson rebuffed further questions.
Independent corroboration has turned up two such victims willing to go on the record. One of them claimed the following: “When I was watching my Best of Jeremiah Wright DVD, I get this knock at the door and it’s this slick brother who wants to sell me an ARM loan. I don’t know what that is but he said I could live like a queen on only fifty bucks a month. Fifty bucks! I had to use the ladies’ room and when I came back and took a sip from my malt liquor, I was ready to do anything he said. He later told me I had too much junk in the trunk, but that ain’t got nothing to do with it. I know he put something in my juice!”
Another victim stated this, “I don’t know how they found me. All I ever do is work at the grocery store and hang out at the anime store. He said I could get everything I wanted in a house for less than I paid my parents in rent. He said he knew I would be making a ton of money by the end of the year. He knew me so well! I always wanted to make a ton of money and I was so glad to find a friend that believed in me. I even showed him my Sailor Moon collection and my signed Oh My Goddess! Japanese imports! After I signed the paperwork though, I realized that my Coke tasted too much like Diet Coke, and I know my mom never messes up my afternoon drink. He must have put something in it. My friends who are ninjas will make him pay!”
Statisticians and market research experts have surveyed the victims of predatory lending revealed even more disquieting truths — many of these victims were also victims of hurricane Katrina. In fact, two individuals surveyed were responsible for the original “freezer full of bodies” claim that was later discovered to be a hoax. Another five victims were discovered to be bitter ex-girlfriends of the pick-up artist “Arcanum”. They claimed that because “Arcanum” broke up with them first, that they were placed in a vulnerable emotional state and thus unable to function as rational individuals. Other victims were high-ranking journalists at newspapers, pornographers, and activists for various causes.
When questioned together, all fifty individuals did not seem to be concerned that their decisions resulted in massive government bail-outs and increased regulations. In fact, their rallying cry was, “I Deserve to be Protected From Myself!” When an insane asylum with free restaint devices and the oversight of competent medical practitioners was suggested however, they nearly rioted.
The market researchers and statictians responsible for this study have asked that their names be withheld to prevent academic backlash. They have gone underground and changed their names as a preventative measure, so they could not be reached for further comment.
When underground pharmaceutical companies meet major league sports, things can get a little bit strange…
Barry Bonds, baseball’s bad boy and major league slugger, was indicted for perjury [as everyone knows]; he lied to a grand jury about his use of steroids. That’s however only the tip of the iceberg though. Bonds was also using “the cream” and “the clear”, products from the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative, or BALCO. BALCO is an underground pharmaceuticals company that manufactures designer drugs for semi-legal purposes. Due to several legal close calls, in late 2006, they turned to human-based immersions to mask the chemical signatures of their products. In February of last year, they opened up the Malaysia-to-New Jersey buttcheese trade route, and their investment in Cincinatti jenkem production plants followed shortly afterwards. One of my spies cornered Bonds and got the dirt on BALCO’s newest drug, the one that inspired Bond’s “I’m keeping my money” power tripping.
According to my source, Bonds said, “Look. I don’t care what anyone says, but that jenkem stuff — it’s not all fake. Anderson was always using this cream or that cream or some other drink. But this stuff made the difference. Next thing I knew I was dam* indestructible. Anderson said it was some kind of Secret Soldier thing, like Captain America or something. He said they had vials of Jackie Robinson’s sweat and added it to skin samples of Reggie Jackson, Hank Aaron, and Babe Ruth.”
“I was like — ‘Babe Ruth? He’s white!’ Anderson told me, ‘Chill out, Barry. It’s that little bit of whiteness that gets it energized. See, if you have a little bit of white, then the black parts all try that much harder to outdo it, so this stuff is like super-super juice.’ That made sense, but I was looking at the stuff and it was this brown liquid and I figured that there was more to it than all that. When I asked what else was in it, he got all quiet and wouldn’t tell me. So finally I blew up and said I wouldn’t let him in the dugout anymore. Only then did he say that it was immersed in jenkem. Now if you tell anyone this, I’m gonna kill you.”
BALCO denies all involvement with the aforementioned super-super juice and any contact with Barry Bonds or Anderson. Their new digs are a nice mansion just outside of San Francisco, though, so feel free to draw your own conclusions.
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