Barry Vs. BALCO
When underground pharmaceutical companies meet major league sports, things can get a little bit strange…
Barry Bonds, baseball’s bad boy and major league slugger, was indicted for perjury [as everyone knows]; he lied to a grand jury about his use of steroids. That’s however only the tip of the iceberg though. Bonds was also using “the cream” and “the clear”, products from the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative, or BALCO. BALCO is an underground pharmaceuticals company that manufactures designer drugs for semi-legal purposes. Due to several legal close calls, in late 2006, they turned to human-based immersions to mask the chemical signatures of their products. In February of last year, they opened up the Malaysia-to-New Jersey buttcheese trade route, and their investment in Cincinatti jenkem production plants followed shortly afterwards. One of my spies cornered Bonds and got the dirt on BALCO’s newest drug, the one that inspired Bond’s “I’m keeping my money” power tripping.
According to my source, Bonds said, “Look. I don’t care what anyone says, but that jenkem stuff — it’s not all fake. Anderson was always using this cream or that cream or some other drink. But this stuff made the difference. Next thing I knew I was dam* indestructible. Anderson said it was some kind of Secret Soldier thing, like Captain America or something. He said they had vials of Jackie Robinson’s sweat and added it to skin samples of Reggie Jackson, Hank Aaron, and Babe Ruth.”
“I was like — ‘Babe Ruth? He’s white!’ Anderson told me, ‘Chill out, Barry. It’s that little bit of whiteness that gets it energized. See, if you have a little bit of white, then the black parts all try that much harder to outdo it, so this stuff is like super-super juice.’ That made sense, but I was looking at the stuff and it was this brown liquid and I figured that there was more to it than all that. When I asked what else was in it, he got all quiet and wouldn’t tell me. So finally I blew up and said I wouldn’t let him in the dugout anymore. Only then did he say that it was immersed in jenkem. Now if you tell anyone this, I’m gonna kill you.”
BALCO denies all involvement with the aforementioned super-super juice and any contact with Barry Bonds or Anderson. Their new digs are a nice mansion just outside of San Francisco, though, so feel free to draw your own conclusions.
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on Saturday - Apr 19th, 2008 at 9:36 pm A Clear Future » Barry Vs. BALCO wrote:
[...] the whole thing over here This entry was posted on Saturday, April 19th, 2008 at 9:30 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. [...]