Predatory lending has deep and disturbing connections to date rape and Hurricane Katrina. My sources in Washington have revealed the following:

Late last week, congressional hearings over predatory lending took a bizarre turn, according to a spokesperson for House majority leader, Nancy Pelosi. “One of the most disturbing trends in the collapse of the subprime market is the widespread nature of predatory lending. What’s worse, is that many of these big bad loans were manufactured using chemicals. We have sworn testimony that at least fifteen people were drugged into accepting ARMs and balloon loans.” The spokesperson rebuffed further questions.

Independent corroboration has turned up two such victims willing to go on the record. One of them claimed the following: “When I was watching my Best of Jeremiah Wright DVD, I get this knock at the door and it’s this slick brother who wants to sell me an ARM loan. I don’t know what that is but he said I could live like a queen on only fifty bucks a month. Fifty bucks! I had to use the ladies’ room and when I came back and took a sip from my malt liquor, I was ready to do anything he said. He later told me I had too much junk in the trunk, but that ain’t got nothing to do with it. I know he put something in my juice!”

Another victim stated this, “I don’t know how they found me. All I ever do is work at the grocery store and hang out at the anime store. He said I could get everything I wanted in a house for less than I paid my parents in rent. He said he knew I would be making a ton of money by the end of the year. He knew me so well! I always wanted to make a ton of money and I was so glad to find a friend that believed in me. I even showed him my Sailor Moon collection and my signed Oh My Goddess! Japanese imports! After I signed the paperwork though, I realized that my Coke tasted too much like Diet Coke, and I know my mom never messes up my afternoon drink. He must have put something in it. My friends who are ninjas will make him pay!”

Statisticians and market research experts have surveyed the victims of predatory lending revealed even more disquieting truths — many of these victims were also victims of hurricane Katrina. In fact, two individuals surveyed were responsible for the original “freezer full of bodies” claim that was later discovered to be a hoax. Another five victims were discovered to be bitter ex-girlfriends of the pick-up artist “Arcanum”. They claimed that because “Arcanum” broke up with them first, that they were placed in a vulnerable emotional state and thus unable to function as rational individuals. Other victims were high-ranking journalists at newspapers, pornographers, and activists for various causes.

When questioned together, all fifty individuals did not seem to be concerned that their decisions resulted in massive government bail-outs and increased regulations. In fact, their rallying cry was, “I Deserve to be Protected From Myself!” When an insane asylum with free restaint devices and the oversight of competent medical practitioners was suggested however, they nearly rioted.

The market researchers and statictians responsible for this study have asked that their names be withheld to prevent academic backlash. They have gone underground and changed their names as a preventative measure, so they could not be reached for further comment.