Monday - Jun 30th, 2008
8:40 pm
Politics
(INDEPENDENCE, Missouri) (Reuters) – Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama rejected questions about his patriotism on Monday even as he drew fire for a supporter’s attack on Republican rival John McCain’s military record.
Obama kicked off the week leading up to the July 4 Independence Day celebration with a broad-ranging speech extolling American virtues. He said questions about patriotism were a poisonous remnant of the 1960s culture wars.
The Illinois senator also took another step to heal party divisions, speaking to former President Bill Clinton for about 20 minutes by telephone from Kansas City just days after campaigning for the first time with defeated rival Hillary Clinton, the former first lady.
The former president raised questions last week about how committed he was to Obama’s success when he delivered a speech to the U.S. Conference of Mayors and barely mentioned the Democratic presidential contender.
The Obama campaign described Monday’s conversation as terrific and said the Illinois senator asked Clinton to campaign for him, which the former president appeared excited to do.
“He has always believed that Bill Clinton is one of this nation’s great leaders and most brilliant minds, and looks forward to seeing him on the campaign trail and receiving his counsel in the months to come,” Obama spokesman Bill Burton said.
Obama better hope that Bill Clinton is more successful in promoting Obama then he was in promoting Hillary for the nomination!! One more judgment error??
Thursday - Jun 26th, 2008
7:44 pm
Satire
In this season of crisis and upheaval, it’s time an unmentioned tale of woe made it to the forefront: The inability of political satirists to find good subject matter in this presidential election.
Political satirists all over the country are applying for unemployment in record numbers, because both presidential candidates this year are so miserable, they’re beneath ridicule.
“I can’t believe this,” an anonymous hobo in a ragged brown trenchcoat said. “No matter how bad the choices became, we could always make fun of them before.” Then he scuffled away, drank from his paper-bagged bottle, and clutched at a battered box full of his cartoonist’s pens.
“This country is really going down the drain,” another said to me. “It doesn’t matter who it is. Obama and McCain both suck so badly, they don’t even rise to the level of satire. It’s a sign of the apocalypse!”
“WHY GOD? WHY?” I would have him asked for a clarification, but the police had to restrain him before he hurt himself.
In these bad times, is even asking for a decent subject of belittlement asking too much? Has our society fallen so far, candidates can’t even rise to that level of contempt? This humble reporter doesn’t know, but I’m sure it’s Bush’s fault.
Want a warped perspective on the “maverick” John McCain? Visit YankMcCain.com. At the very least, you’ll never see the word ‘maverick’ the same way again.
In a 5-4 Supreme Court decision the highest court in the U.S. ruled a Washington D.C. outright handgun ban unconstitutional. Although the court did not find that state licensing was an issue, this ruling upheld the right of a U.S. Citizen to Keep and Bear Arms afforded to them under the 2nd Amendment as an individual right, not simply just the right of a State to support a militia or guard as many radical anti-2nd Amendment activists have claimed for years.
(WASHINGTON) – The Supreme Court ruled Thursday that Americans have a right to own guns for self-defense in their homes, the justices’ first major pronouncement on gun rights in U.S. history.
The court’s 5-4 ruling struck down the District of Columbia’s 32-year-old ban on handguns as incompatible with gun rights under the Second Amendment. The decision went further than even the Bush administration wanted, but probably leaves most firearms restrictions intact.
The court had not conclusively interpreted the Second Amendment since its ratification in 1791. The amendment reads: “A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.”
The basic issue for the justices was whether the amendment protects an individual’s right to own guns no matter what, or whether that right is somehow tied to service in a state militia.
Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia said that an individual right to bear arms is supported by “the historical narrative” both before and after the Second Amendment was adopted.
The Constitution does not permit “the absolute prohibition of handguns held and used for self-defense in the home,” Scalia said. The court also struck down Washington’s requirement that firearms be equipped with trigger locks or kept disassembled, but left intact the licensing of guns.
Scalia noted that the handgun is Americans’ preferred weapon of self-defense in part because “it can be pointed at a burglar with one hand while the other hand dials the police.”
One commenter on Digg mentioned, “Let’s pray they overturn Roe v. Wade and outlaw gay marriage as well.” — that’s a long shot (no pun intended). However, you gotta love Justice Scalia — “the handgun is Americans’ preferred weapon of self-defense in part because it can be pointed at a burglar with one hand while the other hand dials the police.” — Absolutely priceless !!
Saturday - Jun 21st, 2008
11:30 am
Satire
Scott Ott focuses on the double standards in the war on terror in this story a few days ago. Since these guys don’t wear uniforms why are they given the same treatment under the rules of war as a uniformed soldier? During WWII wouldn’t they be shot as spies if captured? These two must be laughing till they cry in their caves…
(Tora Bora – PAKISTAN) — As a goodwill gesture in the wake of the U.S. Supreme Court’s 5-4 decision to grant writs of habeas corpus to detainees at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, al Qaeda today announced it would grant its beheadees what it called “writs of habeas corpse.”
Under the Supreme Court’s Boumediene v. Bush ruling (PDF), an enemy combatant facing trial before a military tribunal can now petition a U.S. court for a writ of habeas corpus allowing him to challenge his detention in a civilian U.S. court, essentially granting him the rights of an American citizen.
The Qaeda court, however, lacking a large number of detainees, said it would allow any of its beheadees to petition for the right to appear in an Islamic Court.
“We feel this is even more generous than the unilateral U.S. decision,” said an unnamed Qaeda Court spokesman, “because we’ll actually issue two writs for each beheadee to assure the court has his undivided attention.” — as reported by satirist Scott Ott / Scrappleface
The U.S. Open Golf coverage was interrupted with a startling report that Tim Russert collapsed in his new office earlier today. Tim Russert was perhaps one of the most beloved and charismatic political news correspondents. I am sure many of our readers have spent more of their Sunday mornings riveted to his pointed no holes barred interviews on Meet the Press.
They always say the good die young… such is the case today as we all mourn the loss of an outstanding journalist and American.
NBC interrupted its regular programming to announce Russert’s death, and in the ensuing moments, familiar faces such as Tom Brokaw, Andrea Mitchell and Brian Williams took turns mourning his loss.
Williams called him “aggressively unfancy.”
President Bush said he was “deeply saddened” by Russert’s death.
“Tim was a tough and hardworking newsman. He was always well-informed and thorough in his interviews. And he was as gregarious off the set as he was prepared on it,” Mr. Bush said in a statement.
Russert, of Buffalo, N.Y., took the helm of the Sunday news show in December 1991 and turned it into the nation’s most widely watched program of its type. His signature trait there was an unrelenting style of questioning that made some politicians reluctant to appear, yet confident that they could claim extra credibility if they survived his grilling intact.
He was also a senior vice president at NBC, and this year, Time Magazine named him one of the 100 most influential people in the world.
Russert had Buffalo’s blue collar roots, a Jesuit education, a law degree and a Democratic pedigree that came from his turn as an aide to the late Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan of New York. – AP News Wire
Friday - Jun 6th, 2008
8:59 pm
Satire
While its still anyone’s guess what Hilllary will say this weekend, we managed to find what we suspect is a leaked version of her concession speech. Will the dream ticket become a reality? Or will Hillary be forced to wallow in defeat? Perhaps this underground version of her concession speech might shed some light on the ominous outcome… 
(WASHINGTON) — A draft copy of Sen. Hillary Clinton’s planned concession speech leaked this morning after the candidate inadvertently emailed it to her entire “buddy list” and both copies then fell into the hands of the news media.
In the speech, Sen. Clinton attempts to lay the groundwork for Democrat unity, based on what she calls “a kind of unshakable bond that can only be sustained by proper treatment of one’s defeated adversaries.”
Here are some excerpts from the speech which Sen. Clinton is expected to deliver this weekend.
“No matter the outcome of the presidential race this November, the year 2008 is a watershed for Democrats. For the first time in the history of either party, a woman selflessly withdrew from a race she was winning to lend a merciful, helping hand to a young African-American in his time of need.”
“We have both broken down barriers, Sen. Obama and I, in this historic race. However, since he is only half black, but I am all woman, it goes without saying that my accomplishment in nearly winning is the greater civil rights triumph, mathematically speaking.”
“I will campaign vigorously for the party’s nominee, whoever that may be. I do it out of a sense of noblesse oblige — my nobility obligates me. I hope Sen. Obama sees my endorsement, and pledge of delegates, as a hand up, not a hand out.”
“If Barack Obama becomes the next president of the United States, let it never be said that he won only because he’s black, but rather that he won because a gracious white woman sacrificed her own ambitions for the good of humanity.”
“In closing, I want to personally address Sen. Obama by paraphrasing President John F. Kennedy, who, coincidentally, was assassinated like his brother Robert was: Sen. Obama, ask not what Hillary Clinton can do for you. Ask what you can do for the woman who was almost the first female president of the United States.” — as reported by satirist Scott Ott / ScrappleFace
You have to hand it to Scott Ott, he really has a way of summarizing months of political animosity in a few paragraphs. It remains to be seen if the elitist streak in Barack “Messiah” Obama accepts her magnanimous sacrifice of gracefully bowing out and letting him win the nomination.
Can you picture a White House with Barack, Michelle, Hillary and Bill all sitting around the dinner table sharing supper and singing goom-ba-ya? Just think of all the great material for the late night TV comics!! Bill secretly praying for Hillary to land the VP slot so he can get a chance to sample the dark meat at the other end of the dinner table. “My Belle” Michelle needing more than a chastity belt to preserve her wifely fidelity while under the same White House roof with naughty Bill. But then again… it’s widely known that politics makes for some strange bedfellows. There is no reason to believe that this campaign will be no exception. ROTFL — scotty
Friday - Jun 6th, 2008
8:42 pm
Satire
We have retired our poll on whether or not Barack or Hillary would win the Democrat nomination. Once again our readers hit the nail on the head. While it’s not official we figured we might as well start counting up your votes for the big prize in November.
Choose between Sen. John “Marverick” McCain and Barack H. “Messiah” Obama. We hope you don’t mind we took liberties to give each of them a military “call sign”. Afterall, one of them will become the new Commander in Chief and we just thought it would be fitting.
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