Pelosi to Halt Starbucks Closings

Posted by ZZ Bachman...

In an emergency session Rep. Nancy Pelosi has called for the halt in the recently announced Starbucks closings citing severe strains on an already “taxed” welfare system. Teaming with think-tank Democrats, a new voucher system has been proposed to offset the nefarious decisions of Starbuck’s management.

(WASHINGTON) — Democrats in Congress today plan to introduce a bill to halt the recently-announced closing of some 600 Starbucks coffee stores, noting that the displacement of 12,000 Starbucks baristas would overwhelm government aid offices not prepared to handle so many clients for whom English is a second language.

Baristas, those who serve Starbucks beverages, speak a peculiar dialect that combines pseudo-Italian and American slang with inflections borrowed from ancient hemp-smoking cultures.

“These people can’t just walk out of Starbucks and get a job at a grocery store or a factory,” said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-CA. “They would need ESL classes and cultural training to learn how to relate to ordinary Americans and function in society.”

Rep. Pelosi’s bill would subsidize the 600 money-losing Starbucks locations by giving away millions of taxpayer dollars in so-called ‘Venti Vouchers’ to residents of these hard-hit neighborhoods. If the effort fails to revive the flagging stores, Rep. Pelosi said Democrats would “seriously consider nationalizing the coffee industry to ensure the free flow of java at fair prices.”

“This is just another one of our heroic Democrat efforts to protect Americans from the impact of the Bush economic policies,” said Rep. Pelosi. “Under this president, America has become a cold and desolate place where corporations cut unprofitable activities to focus on increasing the bottom line, and returning value to shareholders. When Democrats retake the White House next year, we will reverse that trend.” – as reported by satarist Scott Ott / Scrappleface

Posted by ZZ Bachman...

[+4 rating, 4 votes]  Loading ...

You can follow any discussion by checking the eMail notification box below the grey comment area or by linking our RSS 2.0 comment feed. Trackbacks and Pingbacks may be turned off because of spamming morons. -- Thanks -- ZZ N&S Staff

Link: http://zardozz.com/zz/2008/07/pelosi-calls-to-halt-starbucks-closings.html