Obama Shuns Flag Lapel for Fear of Bill Ayers

(INDIANA) — Sen. Barack Obama admitted today that he stopped wearing an American flag lapel pin out of fear that friend and domestic terror group founder William Ayers would “step on my chest.”

The revelation comes after a photo of Mr. Ayers standing on the flag resurfaced from a 2001 article in Chicago Magazine.

“This guy ran the Weather Underground which declared war on the U.S.,” said Sen. Obama, “Bill Ayers conducted a campaign of bombings and riots before he helped me launch my first political campaign. With a resume like that, I’m not about to taunt him by wearing a flag on my lapel. I’d hate to have to explain the footprint to my dry cleaner.” – as reported by satirist Scott Ott / ScrappleFace

At 55, Bill Ayers, the notorious sixties radical, still carries a whiff of that rock ‘n’ roll decade: the oversize wire-rim glasses that, in a certain light, reveal themselves as bifocals; a backpack over his shoulder—not some streamlined, chic job, but a funky backpack-of-the-people, complete with a photo button of abolitionist John Brown pinned to one strap.

Yet he is also a man of the moment. For example: There is his cell phone, laid casually on the tabletop of this neighborhood Taylor Street coffee shop, and his passion for double skim lattes. In conversation, he has an immediate, engaging presence; he may not have known you long but, his manner suggests, he’s already fascinated. Then there is his quick laugh and his tendency to punctuate his comments by a tap on your arm.

Overall, it is not easy to imagine him as part of the Weatherman, a group that during the late sixties and early seventies openly called for revolution in America, led a violent rampaging protest in Chicago, and took credit for numerous bombings around the United States. - Chicago Magazine

Yankee - Red Sox Rivalry Turns Homicidal

Talk about the need for anger management therapy in the Big Apple and Bean Town! New York Yankee and Boston Red Sox fans… we have one thing to say. Get a grip !!

A New York Yankees fan has been charged with second-degree murder after allegedly ramming her car into a group of people outside a New Hampshire bar, killing a Boston Red Sox fan.
Ivonne Hernandez
This booking photo released by the Nashua, N.H., Police Dept., shows Ivonne Hernandez on Friday after her arrest. Witnesses say a Red Sox-Yankees argument in a bar Friday led to taunting in a parking lot and then, according to prosecutors, to murder.

Ivonne Hernandez, 43, was arraigned this morning in Hillsborough District Court on reckless second-degree murder and drunken driving charges. She did not enter a plea and will be held without bail.

The murder charge followed the weekend death of 29-year-old Matthew Beaudoin, who was one of two people struck early Friday morning by Hernandez in a Nashua, N.H., parking lot after an altercation that reportedly involved fans of the rival big league teams.

Hernandez, of Nashua, had initially been charged with two counts of felony reckless conduct, but one of the charges was increased after Beaudoin’s death.

“One of the pedestrians sustained minor injuries,” according to the Friday release from the state Attorney General’s Office. “The second pedestrian sustained life-threatening injuries. — ABC News

Sure hope the Red Sox fans don’t take this too personal. I can just see the reaction next time the Bronx Bombers set foot in Fenway Park or the Red Sox fans visit Yankee Stadium. If you are a fan of one of these teams you might want to make sure you go to the next game with a kevlar vest under you favorite player’s jersey.

How to Recognize a Palestinian Cat

— [Hat Tip: megitt33]
We changed the title of this post thanks to the insight of one of our readers… [see comments]

Hamas Endoresment Inspires Superdelegates

In the battle for superdelegates, Obama has one clear edge. He now has the unwavering support of Hamas. Following in the tradition of Carter diplomacy is there any doubt this new endoresment will help lock his chances with the remaining super liberal superdelegates?  Scott Ott reports on the one party peace talks…

(WASHINGTON) — The chief political adviser to the Prime Minister of Hamas on Sunday said the terror group would like to see Sen. Barack Obama become the next U.S. president because “he has a vision to change America.”

One Obama campaign insider said, “Getting this endorsement is tantamount to picking up a superdelegate vote. But with Hamas, Sen. Obama didn’t have to compromise his principles or positions, or make any commitments beyond what he has already promised.”

The unnamed source said he expected the Hamas announcement “would open the floodgates” and the Illinois senator will soon have the support of what he called “the Carter coalition of global non-governmental organizations that support change in the U.S.” — as reported by satirist Scott Ott / ScrappleFace

Hamas and Carter Conclude Unilateral Peace Talks

(RAMALLAH) — Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter and the terror group Hamas, in a joint news conference today, announced they had successfully completed the third round of one-party talks aimed at bringing peace to the Jewish territories that border on the Palestinian state.

In a moment reminiscent of the famous 1978 handshake at Camp David among Mr. Carter, Egyptian President Anwar Saadat and Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin, Mr. Carter today embraced exiled Hamas leader Khaled Meshal then each man kissed the tomb of former Palestinian Leader Yassir Arafat.

While no one would reveal the details of the intramural peace settlement, Mr. Carter noted that the deal is so comprehensive that it’s “likely to meet the approval of nearly every legitimate nation in the Middle East.” — as reported by satirist Scott Ott / Scrappleface

Predatory Lending Drugs

Predatory lending has deep and disturbing connections to date rape and Hurricane Katrina. My sources in Washington have revealed the following:

Late last week, congressional hearings over predatory lending took a bizarre turn, according to a spokesperson for House majority leader, Nancy Pelosi. “One of the most disturbing trends in the collapse of the subprime market is the widespread nature of predatory lending. What’s worse, is that many of these big bad loans were manufactured using chemicals. We have sworn testimony that at least fifteen people were drugged into accepting ARMs and balloon loans.” The spokesperson rebuffed further questions.

Independent corroboration has turned up two such victims willing to go on the record. One of them claimed the following: “When I was watching my Best of Jeremiah Wright DVD, I get this knock at the door and it’s this slick brother who wants to sell me an ARM loan. I don’t know what that is but he said I could live like a queen on only fifty bucks a month. Fifty bucks! I had to use the ladies’ room and when I came back and took a sip from my malt liquor, I was ready to do anything he said. He later told me I had too much junk in the trunk, but that ain’t got nothing to do with it. I know he put something in my juice!”

Another victim stated this, “I don’t know how they found me. All I ever do is work at the grocery store and hang out at the anime store. He said I could get everything I wanted in a house for less than I paid my parents in rent. He said he knew I would be making a ton of money by the end of the year. He knew me so well! I always wanted to make a ton of money and I was so glad to find a friend that believed in me. I even showed him my Sailor Moon collection and my signed Oh My Goddess! Japanese imports! After I signed the paperwork though, I realized that my Coke tasted too much like Diet Coke, and I know my mom never messes up my afternoon drink. He must have put something in it. My friends who are ninjas will make him pay!”

Statisticians and market research experts have surveyed the victims of predatory lending revealed even more disquieting truths — many of these victims were also victims of hurricane Katrina. In fact, two individuals surveyed were responsible for the original “freezer full of bodies” claim that was later discovered to be a hoax. Another five victims were discovered to be bitter ex-girlfriends of the pick-up artist “Arcanum”. They claimed that because “Arcanum” broke up with them first, that they were placed in a vulnerable emotional state and thus unable to function as rational individuals. Other victims were high-ranking journalists at newspapers, pornographers, and activists for various causes.

When questioned together, all fifty individuals did not seem to be concerned that their decisions resulted in massive government bail-outs and increased regulations. In fact, their rallying cry was, “I Deserve to be Protected From Myself!” When an insane asylum with free restaint devices and the oversight of competent medical practitioners was suggested however, they nearly rioted.

The market researchers and statictians responsible for this study have asked that their names be withheld to prevent academic backlash. They have gone underground and changed their names as a preventative measure, so they could not be reached for further comment.

Barry Vs. BALCO

When underground pharmaceutical companies meet major league sports, things can get a little bit strange…

Barry Bonds, baseball’s bad boy and major league slugger, was indicted for perjury [as everyone knows]; he lied to a grand jury about his use of steroids. That’s however only the tip of the iceberg though. Bonds was also using “the cream” and “the clear”, products from the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative, or BALCO. BALCO is an underground pharmaceuticals company that manufactures designer drugs for semi-legal purposes. Due to several legal close calls, in late 2006, they turned to human-based immersions to mask the chemical signatures of their products. In February of last year, they opened up the Malaysia-to-New Jersey buttcheese trade route, and their investment in Cincinatti jenkem production plants followed shortly afterwards. One of my spies cornered Bonds and got the dirt on BALCO’s newest drug, the one that inspired Bond’s “I’m keeping my money” power tripping.

According to my source, Bonds said, “Look. I don’t care what anyone says, but that jenkem stuff — it’s not all fake. Anderson was always using this cream or that cream or some other drink. But this stuff made the difference. Next thing I knew I was dam* indestructible. Anderson said it was some kind of Secret Soldier thing, like Captain America or something. He said they had vials of Jackie Robinson’s sweat and added it to skin samples of Reggie Jackson, Hank Aaron, and Babe Ruth.”

“I was like — ‘Babe Ruth? He’s white!’ Anderson told me, ‘Chill out, Barry. It’s that little bit of whiteness that gets it energized. See, if you have a little bit of white, then the black parts all try that much harder to outdo it, so this stuff is like super-super juice.’ That made sense, but I was looking at the stuff and it was this brown liquid and I figured that there was more to it than all that. When I asked what else was in it, he got all quiet and wouldn’t tell me. So finally I blew up and said I wouldn’t let him in the dugout anymore. Only then did he say that it was immersed in jenkem. Now if you tell anyone this, I’m gonna kill you.”

BALCO denies all involvement with the aforementioned super-super juice and any contact with Barry Bonds or Anderson. Their new digs are a nice mansion just outside of San Francisco, though, so feel free to draw your own conclusions.

The Wild Obama

By now, everyone knows about Obama’s comments regarding those in rural Pennsylvania clinging to their guns and their religion. No one thinks they could have been any worse, but then again, no one has taken the twisted route. So, I invite you to consider what would have happened if Obama had his own nature show, “The Wild Obama”.

“We’d spent three days now in the Audacity Safari seeking the elusive rural Pennsylvanian, and our rations of brie and cheese were running low. My crew was beginning to worry that we’d be reduced to living off the land and eating the local rural food, which caused a thrill of fear to run through us like the dire sushi shortage we experienced in Iowa.”

“On the fourth day, we finally ran into a herd of rural Pennsylvanians, and better still, they were all real clingers. Here, our cameraman has exclusive footage of their leader, clinging to a hunting rifle, three bibles, and a crucifix at the same time. Despite the fact we spooked them when we got too close, we were still able to get a good five minutes of rolling film, and some stills of other, lesser clingers among their herd.”

“Some few haggard individuals were empty-handed, and obviously, the hard circumstances in rural Pennsylvania have made them so poor they couldn’t afford anything upon which to cling. We offered one such herd member brie and wine, but it only sniffed at it before scurrying away. Clearly, the packs of vicious, ravenous Republicans have taken their toll on its sanity.”

So, if you ever wanted to know how Obama’s remarks could have been worse, now you do. My thanks to Pat Buchanan and his article “In Darkest Pennsylvania” for my inspiration in this humorous satire.

Want a warped perspective of presidential candidate John McCain? Visit http://www.yankmccain.com. If nothing else, you’ll never see the word ‘maverick’ in the same way again.

Carter Receives ‘Traditional Vest’ from Hamas

(GAZA) — Jimmy Carter’s Middle East mission of peace got off to a “promising start“, the former U.S. president said, as he returned today from meeting with prominent Hamas member Nasser al-Shaer, wearing what he called, “a lovely traditional ceremonial vest” that the Nobel laureate received as a gift from Mr. al-Shaer.

Returning to Jerusalem after the session, Mr. Carter toured a crowded marketplace wearing the snug vest which he said “must be made of some kind of expensive, heavy fabric.”

Asked if he planned further talks with Hamas, Mr. Carter said, “Yes. In fact, I expect they’ll call me soon to trigger the next round.” — as reported by satirist Scott Ott / ScrappleFace

There is a rumor circulating that Jimmy Carter and Al Gore are planning to team up to convince Hillary Clinton to give up her bid for President. I wonder if he will be wearing his green bandanna when he does it?

Jimmy Carter is an absolute disgrace and embarrassment to be meeting with know openly proclaimed murdering terrorists that have killed Americans and Israelis alike. He is suffering from some form of Presidential Stockholm syndrome still living in a time warp when Iran was holding American diplomats hostage in the 70’s and he completely botched their rescue attempt. Guilt abounds.

If Obama has half a brain he will keep his distance from this guy but who knows, maybe Obama will appoint him as an Ambassador to Hamas and Palestine should he make it to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Especially since Barack says we should have diplomatic relationships with terrorist organizations like Hamas, Hezboulah, Iran and Syria and placate them out of a position of fear and weakness. Hillary at least will spit in Carter’s eye… and probably Al Gore’s too for that matter if they both ask her to throw in the towel for the benefit of the “party”.

Top 5 Hillary Clinton Cartoons of the Week

We have searched high and low for what we felt were the Top 5 Hillary Clinton political cartoons of the week. However we need your help in selecting our the Top 3. The underlying theme this week is her strong experience and poise under fire. Ok… Don’t laugh but maybe she is building up to a full frontal assault on Obama’s past associations and complete lack of achievements not to mention his overly far left socialist leanings but that will remain to be seen.

Some of these are the best works of art we have seen from syndicated artists this year!! Tell us what you think and vote below !

Hey Hillary! Time to take the gloves and really go after Obama. Your campaign is much too sweet and nice! Where is that “Blood and Guts” Hillary that we have all come to know and love in Bosnia? You can stop him in his tracks in Pennsylvania and gain some momentum but you have to have the courage to call him out on his past associations and not worry about being PC because of the color of his skin! You have fallen right into his trap!! He’s out flanking you General!

Come back and check the progress of the voting! The results will be posted over the weekend. Our RSS is http://feeds.feedburner.com/zz . You can also leave a comment leaving your thoughts on the Obama / Hillary struggle to gain “hot air” superiority in their campaign of words for the White House. Be sure the Comment Notification is checked off.